The Plot Thickens...

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The Plot Thickens...

Post  Church1ll on Mon Feb 22, 2010 2:45 am

I am going to have fun with this. It is complete and utter bullshit. It couldn't be any more bullshit unless I was piss drunk and/or high out of my mind.

Quick recap.
Christianity, Judaism, Islam are all the same religion told from different points of view essentially. Christianity is essentially just Jesus coming along to add in a new twist to the Jewish belief, with those who believe him becoming the Christians and whatnot. Islam basically embraces the ideas of Moses and Jesus and then throws in the Mohammed interpretation in to the mix, thus creating the Muslims. Jesus is often interpreted as a very tolerant and forgiving man and for the most part his followers are too, save for the select few who completely screwed up the religion so that anyone who DOESN'T follow Jesus is completely bat shit crazy. From what I've heard, Mohammed is reasonably similar to a Middle Eastern version of Jesus, and his followers are for the most part normal folk with the select few nut jobs who believe blowing themselves to smithereens grants them eternal peace and getting laid multiple times a night for all eternity. Right then, on with the show.

So Judaism (am I really spelling that right, spell checker?) was first, essentially giving the Jews first dibs on holy lands, holy bread, holy water, holy rocks, and everything holy that wasn't Swiss cheese. Moses climbed up got a bunch of stones from God and was basically like "so yeah, here's God's will people, stop bugging me about the damn rocks in your sandals" and everyone was all happy and whatnot. Fast forward to when Jesus comes along and suddenly there's a bit of a problem. Those who don't follow Jesus were probably smart enough to realize that following some random dude showing up out of the blue claiming to be God's only son was probably not the smartest idea. And Jesus was cool with that, even when he was betrayed and nailed to a couple 2x4s and hung up like old laundry. Now Christians are angry as all hell at the Jews for the next two thousand ten years but that's getting ahead of ourselves. So fast forward a couple hundred years or so to the time of Mohammed, a man wrapped in towels and seeing a bit of fire out in the desert (it was fire in the desert, right?). Seeing this, Mohammed thinks something is up, has a talk with God apparently, gets his own set of rules from the same guy who threw rocks at Moses and told Jesus to publish a New York Times Best Seller but throws a hilariously grim twist in which Mohammed and all his followers have full rights to kill anyone trying to impose their will upon them. God has a dark sense of humor like that because that pretty much means the Muslims can murder anyone in the name of God and get away with it while the Jews and Christians get to sit around and watch, but because Christians are all action and no words they decide to fuck all the Muslims and invade the holy lands that if the Christians were smart enough to do would have kept them back when Jesus first wondered out of the stars. So here we go, hundreds of years of bloodshed and the Christians realize "Jesus fucking Christ this isn't getting us anywhere" and the wars end.

Fast forward to the time of the 1930s and 40s and the insanity begins all over again. The Christians are now getting their revenge on their religion's founders, the Jews, because they follow an old man and his rocks instead of a hippie and his multi-platinum novel. Hitler, his mustache, and a bunch of metrosexual bastards massacre enough Jews to throw 75% of the modern day economies into oblivion before the Allied (read: more Christian) forces swoop in and kick his kraut ass out of existence. So how do the Christian forces repay the Jews? They send them to the Middle East, where the Muslims primarily reside because, hey, they couldn't take back the land before why not try a new approach: send in the Jews then go in and take out everyone to reclaim the land they so stupidly lost in the first fucking place.

Fast forward again to the present day and we have the real plan unfolding now, the Christians are blowing the living shit out of the Muslims, the Muslims are blowing the living shit out of each other with themselves, while the Jews desperately struggle against the Muslims trying to blow themselves up and take the Jews with them, or they would be if the Muslims weren't so underpowered and fucking retarded. Jews are smart. They know how to fight. If I had to fight a Jew, a Muslim, or a Christian, I would pick the Muslim because they'd just kill themself so I wouldn't have to and then go for the Christian since I'd just have to say "Christ is Lord" and they'd forgive me, at which point I could take that over-sized book they tirelessly read and bludgeon him to death with it. The Jew? Fuck no he'd rip by nuts off and replace my eyeballs with 'em before slitting my throat and forcing the blood that spills out up my ass. You don't mess with Jews, especially when they've been given the short end of the deal for the past ten thousand fucking years. They've had enough. I wouldn't be surprised if in the next century when World War 3 begins it's a Jewish guy riding a top a massive golden nuke-launching tank laughing hysterically and shouting out "How's it feel, bitches?" before turning us all to radioactive vapor.

Yeah. My sanity hangs by a thread. Good night.
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Re: The Plot Thickens...

Post  Gustavus_Adolfus on Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:29 am

Ha ha, very interesting things said!
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